Good Riddance to Day 4 & 5

My body is slowly ramping back up with energy each day; So far this week I’ve gone to my BC group, painting class and today I have all kinds of fun stuffed planned.

And let’s just say that I’m happy to have day 4 and 5 behind me. Many ask what it’s like on my “bad days”.  It’s difficult to describe because there’s nothing to compare it to, but here goes. In the morning I shuffle into the shower and then get dressed. I putter around a bit until the call of the couch becomes too strong. I lay out a blanket, get my pillows just so, and then I lay there in a poisoned haze. I’m not even granted sleep, just haze. My lack of focus doesn’t allow for any reading, puzzles or catching up on the phone. My attention span doesn’t even grant me the desire to watch a movie, I just burn through all of my tivo recordings within a few hours and then I spend the remaining 10 hours clicking through the tv channels like Rainman. Nothing looks interesting.

And then there’s food. Have you ever noticed the “movie” you play through your mind when you’re searching for what sounds good to eat or drink? Mexican? Pasta? Soup & Sandwich? Pizza? And then when you find something that sounds good, you hit the ‘stop’ button and say to yourself, ‘Yea pizza sounds good tonight’! My movie just keeps looping and looping. As soon as I roll over an option and I notice the movie slowing I quickly hit pause and put in my request to Chef Mike. If I take too long to act, it won’t sound good in about 5 seconds and then my movie will keep playing so it’s important that I act quickly. And then of course the cruelty is that my taste buds have been blasted so when it’s actually in front of me it only kind of sort of satisfies.

And the same goes for liquids. All of my options just swirl around in my head and finally I have to just pick one because it’s important that I stay hydrated. Even water becomes the enemy. A cool refreshing glass of water turns into this soft warm liquid that I’m convinced was scooped out of the toilet bowl. It’s just miserable.

And when nothing in life sounds good, it’s inevitable that the despair sets in. I cry about my body, the weeds, my faded shower curtain and the ugly paint color on the wall. It’s really depressing. So now it’s about 9:30pm. I roll off the couch and I shuffle into bed for sleep, as if 12 hours on the couch wasn’t enough recuperating time. That was Day 4. Day 5 is generally a repeat.

Ok, so that had to be depressing to read! So, here’s the good news. I’ve learned that this is a short window and I just have to get through it. Last time I literally cried into Mike’s shoulder acknowledging I just have a little more time to endure and then the sky will stop falling, and sure enough the next day I woke up with a smile and purpose again. I had made it!

2 Responses to “Good Riddance to Day 4 & 5”

  1. jessamyn Says:

    it’s okay to make it depressing sometimes, and I so admire how you always find something positive to note as well. as for food, you’re looking good and hopefully will be feeling good again soon, too, so maybe then you can start thinking like I do: “hmm, roast beef sandwich, petit fours, deep fried anything, mimosas, sushi…”. and then just indulge in whatever to catch back up!

  2. Colene Mace Says:

    Hi Little trooper:
    A friend said “Chemo feels as though you are walking through peanut butter with every movement of your arms and body.” Is that close to how you feel?

    While preparing for the next chemo, maybe it would help to remember that because you got through these past treatments, you will be able to get through the next ones. So, try to keep the feeling of dread out of your mind for the next one and realize that without trying, you are really mentally prepared.

    I hope that makes sense, because it is one way that I find that I can keep on exercising on the rowing machine and make it to the end of the session as the workout ramps up.

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