Archive for the ‘{05} Random Thoughts’ Category

Random Thoughts

October 21, 2008

I always feel better when I write; it helps me clear my mind.  However this medium makes me feel a bit vulnerable with my inner most thoughts published.  But as I go through this journey, I believe these random thoughts will help me reflect about my experiences.  Let me be clear…  These comments are not up for discussion.  I am not passively searching for encouragement.  These are for me.  And yes I know many of them are completely irrational.  I just need to speak to me.

Should I have a glass of wine tonight or ice cream or cheese & crackers?  Is how I’ve eaten in the past the cause of this cancer?

What is the purpose of this?  Will it catapult me through my complacency into my true purpose?  I sure hope so!

I never even considered this cancer could mean an early death until others brought it up who were trying to be encouraging.  The thought never crossed my mind until now – and that is #@! scary!

I still don’t like to touch that breast.  I avoid it.  I also don’t like to sleep on that side (even though I do) because I feel some how I might push cancer cells into another place.

I’m already tired of talking about it.  I’m ready to move on with it all so life is not focusing on this.

Should I exercise?  I stopped walking with hand weights for the time being.  I don’t want to jostle the cancer cells.  I still walk but somehow using the weights bothers me.

Some attention is nice, but this is too much.  I know everyone means well, and believe me I’m so thankful for all of the love, prayers and support, but I’m ready for the focus to shift.  I think it will soon.

It seems completely ridiculous to be more worried about losing my hair than my breast!  Hello, one can grow back and the other cannot!

I really want to keep at least one breast.  After all, they’re so cute.

If my breast is removed, maybe I’ll get a tattoo in the area.  I’ve always kind of wanted one.  What would I get?

I’m praying for supreme health, a long life (95 is a good aim), and hopefully a lumpectomy with minimal lymph surgery.

Sometimes I want to do nothing but sit and watch tv and blame it on “the cancer”.  But honestly, let’s just face it, that is 100% laziness at this point and I shouldn’t use something serious like cancer as a lame excuse.

Is my hair long enough to be cut so it can be remade into my own personal wig?

This blog is NOT to be seen as a memorial, it is for victorious reflection!

I’m so glad I can tell people my diagnosis without crying anymore.  The crying was exhausting!  Although I still need to be mindful, because even though I’ve had a few days to digest this news, manys others will be told soon and it will be new to them.

Why do some get cancer and some do not?

When I’ve said, I never expected this to happen to me, I really meant it!  I did self exams almost monthly but I did it kind of nonchalantly because, after all, this is never going to happen to me.